I hope they give us two weeks notice before sending us back out into the real world. I think we'll all need the time to become ourselves again. And by "ourselves" I mean lose 10 pounds, cut our hair, and get used to not drinking at 9:00 a.m.
New monthly budget: Gas $0, Entertainment $0, Clothes $0, Groceries $2,799.
Breaking News: Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended. Not so much to stop COVI D-19, but to stop eating.
When this quarantine is over, let's not tell some people.
I stepped on my scale this morning. It said: "Please practice social distancing. Only one person at a time on the scale."
Not to brag, but I haven't been late to anything in over 8 weeks.
It may take a village to raise a child, but I swear it's going to take a vineyard to home school one.
You know those car commercials where there's only vehicle on the road? Doesn't seem so unrealistic these days.
They may open things up next month -- I'm staying in until July to see what happens to you all first.
Day 56: The garbage man placed an AA flyer on my recycling bin.
Appropriate analogy: "The curve is flattening, so we can start lifting restrictions now. Or could it be..... "The parachute has slowed our rate of descent, so we can take it off now."
People keep asking: "Is coronavirus REALLY all that serious?" Listen y'all, the churches and casinos are closed. When heaven and hell agree on the same thing, it's probably pretty serious.
Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask and ask for money.
I am home schooling. Then first day I tried to get this kid transferred out of my class. Okay, so the schools are closed. Do we drop the kids off at the teacher's house?
For the second part of this quarantine do we have to stay with the same family or will they relocate us? Asking for myself....
Coronavirus has turned us all into dogs. We wander around the house looking for food. We get told "No!" if we get too close to strangers. We get really excited about going for walks and car rides.
I was in a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8:00 for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane. He returned and tried to cut in again, but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away. As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, "If you people don't let me unlock the door, none of you will ever get in to shop."
QUICK, PURCHASE THE ANTIVIRUS PROTECTION YOU NEED! Released last week from NORTON, the world's undisputed leader in Antivirus protection! Shipped with rubber bands included. There has never been a recorded case of COVID-19 infecting one of our protected computers.
From Oklahoma, Q: What, if any, precautions should be taken by pregnant women? A: It’s too late, you should have taken precautions before.
And from California, Q: How should I treat packages? Is it possible to transmit the virus through the mail? A: Are you kidding? The virus dies in the open in two days, when have you ever known the post office to deliver something in less than two days?
• I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe. 💩
• I need to practice social distancing from the refrigerator! 🍗
• Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom. 👖
• Homeschooling is going well; 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.
• I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks, we'd go from Central Standard Time to the Twilight Zone. ⏰
• This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog... We laughed a lot. 😹
• So, after this quarantine... Will the producers of My 600 Pound Life just find me or do I find them? ⚖️
• Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is stays in business. 👨🍳
• Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat. I'm so Excited!
• It's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear? 👠
• I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I'm getting tired of Los Livingroom.
• Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year".... I'm offended.
I'm so bored I went outside to knock on my front door, then I came back inside to ask, "who is it?"
Yes these are real eggs and done by an artist in Toronto.
Mine barely looked like Easter eggs much less like that!
"NO WHY?"
"BECAUSE THEY KEEP EATING ALL THE BATS!"
(As told to Dave Saunders by Janice Bane of Norman...)
Posted Monday April 6.....many of the larger newspapers have a cartoon staff and here are a couple of the better ones I found, plus a couple of other odds 'n ends.
